A Return to Kindness: A Ray of Hope in Turbulent Times

Kind /kaɪnd/ (adjective)
a: of a sympathetic or helpful nature
b: of a forbearing nature : GENTLE
c: arising from or characterized by sympathy or forbearance
(source: Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

“I have found that it is the small everyday deed of ordinary folks that keep the darkness at bay. Small acts of kindness and love.” ― J.R.R. Tolkien
 
Kindness.

It is a universally admired virtue—celebrated in literature, spiritual teachings, philosophy, and everyday life. Some even say it's what makes the world go 'round. 

We recognize it when we see it, and we feel good when we both give and receive it.

Yet, in today's world, where politics, local and global issues, and differing beliefs often divide even the closest of families and friends, being kind may feel like a real challenge. That's because it's usually easier to be kind to those who are kind to us and agree with us, than to be kind to those we perceive as unkind or who deeply disagree with us.

However, if we shift our perspective, we may just realize that those who have been unkind to us are the ones who need our kindness the most. By responding with compassion instead of retaliation, we have the potential to break the cycle of negativity, create a more positive interaction, and a better world.

Reflections On a Kinder, Gentler Time

Early in my career as a physician, I had numerous patients from the World War II generation, and they quickly became my favorite patient population. Over the years, I observed many wonderful character traits in this group of people.

Not only were they kind and generous, but they were also loyal, possessed integrity, and valued virtue. They strived to do the right thing regardless of the difficulty or how others treated them. They had gentle spirits, were honest, and a handshake was as binding as a formal contract, because their word was their bond. They genuinely wanted the best for others, believed in standing up for what is right, and had a strong sense of honor and duty to their country, community, and family. Their faith was reflected in how they lived the principles instilled in them from youth, rather than merely paying lip service to them.

They were brave, refusing to let fear hinder them, and demonstrated a willingness to sacrifice for the sake of others. Hard-working, they felt a sense of responsibility if they didn't earn what they received, using this as motivation to do better. They exhibited tremendous self-discipline and determination to accomplish whatever needed to be done. Remarkably resilient, they didn't complain about the hardships they endured. They possessed a profound sense of patriotism and gratitude for the freedoms enjoyed by Americans, and despite encountering significant challenges, they maintained an almost unshakeable optimism, rather than succumbing to bitterness or despair.

It was also interesting to observe the interactions between the husbands and wives I talked with. The husbands truly doted on their wives. A common scene was the two of them sitting together on the sofa, both nicely dressed. The husband might hold his wife's hand, or have his arm draped sweetly around her shoulder, while the wife ensured her husband had a cold drink, or had remembered to take his medication. Their relationship appeared comfortable and relaxed, characterized by genuine caring and concern.

Knowing that the norm in earlier times was for wives to stay at home to care for their families, I began asking questions about their respective roles. Contrary to my expectations, shaped by growing up in the era of women's liberation, I found that the wives expressed none of the dissatisfaction with their roles that was often proclaimed by social commentators. Instead, they loved being able to stay home to raise their children, to be there when their children and husband came home every evening, so they could sit down to dinner together and discuss the day's events. The wives also had time to engage with their friends, and to get involved in community and charitable activities they found enjoyable and fulfilling. They felt loved, nurtured, and cared for by their spouse, and reciprocated in kind. And while they often admitted things weren't always perfect, they were committed to one another for life, and knew how to disagree without getting into a heated argument. 

I recall one widower telling me that he and his wife had never had an argument where they raised their voices or became really angry. When I asked how they managed that, he replied, “I learned to ask myself if what was bothering me would really matter the next day, or week, or month. And the answer was almost always ‘no'. It's about choosing your battles wisely. And I usually found there was nothing worth arguing about that was more important than my family."

I also asked the wives whether they felt they'd been “oppressed,” or had no choice but to be housewives, or as if they had no say in family decisions. Some chuckled when I asked. While there are exceptions to every rule, not one person I talked with over the years said they felt any of the "oppression" that later became a catchphrase in American society. They couldn't imagine being happy had they not been at home to care for their family, and family decisions were discussed between husband and wife in a caring, rational manner. This stood in stark contrast to the experiences of myself and some of my female friends, who either lamented missing out on having children due to busy careers, or found themselves working full-time due to financial constraints when what they really wanted was to be at least part-time caregivers for their children. These conversations, along with the strong family bonds I witnessed among this patient population compared to later generations, led me to rethink the narrative I'd grown up hearing.

Reflecting on the World War II generation, I'm reminded of a time when family connection, kindness, integrity, and faith were not merely ideals to aspire to, but lived realities. It was an era where kindness was intricately woven into the fabric of families and society—an expectation rather than an exception. Within this societal framework, certain values were upheld, encouraging individuals to adhere to upright standards of conduct, exercising self-restraint even in the face of temptation and immediate gratification. Kindness was part of the social order, fostering an environment of compassion and empathy.

In a sense, being kind in such an environment was less challenging, since it was reflected all around. And while acts of kindness were appreciated, they weren't generally regarded as exceptional.

Fast forward to today, and we have a different situation entirely.  

Maneuvering Societal Changes

The contemporary world has brought about new challenges and complexities that can make practicing kindness seem like a daunting task at times. 

With the rise of individualism and the rapid pace of modern life, there's a pervasive sense of disconnection and competition that often inhibits genuine acts of kindness. Moreover, technological advancements, while facilitating communication, have also created barriers to empathy and human connection, leading to a decline in interpersonal relationships and nurturing a culture of superficial interactions. In an era dominated by screens and virtual interactions, genuine face-to-face communication and authentic emotional connections have become increasingly rare commodities. Social media platforms, originally designed to bring people closer together, often serve as catalysts for comparison, envy, and shallow interactions devoid of genuine empathy. Worse yet, they provide a shield behind which some individuals feel they can even be unkind to others without consequence.

Additionally, societal values now place greater emphasis on personal success and achievement, often at the expense of compassion and altruism. As a result, acts of kindness today are not only less prevalent, but also more conspicuous, celebrated as commendable occurrences in a world that seems increasingly preoccupied with self-interest.

In the face of these challenges, kindness becomes not just a choice, but a conscious effort to swim against the currents of today's societal norms. It requires a deliberate commitment to empathy and understanding, often amidst a backdrop of skepticism and cynicism. As we navigate the complexities of modern life, giving or experiencing genuine acts of kindness can feel like searching for a beacon in a foggy night. Yet, it is precisely in these moments of turbulence that the transformative power of kindness shines brightest, offering glimpses of hope and humanity amidst the chaos.

The Challenge of Being Kind in the Face of Unkindness

Psychology suggests that, in today's society, we've become socially conditioned to reciprocate behaviors rather than pausing to think about our responses. When someone is kind to us, we often feel compelled to return the favor, while unkindness may trigger a similar reactive response. This knee-jerk reaction makes it difficult to pause and choose a more thoughtful response in the face of unkindness. As we consider how we can return kindness, let's examine some factors that may contribute to this.

One aspect may be our ego and pride. When we're wronged, our pride can be hurt, leading us to believe that responding with kindness is like admitting defeat or condoning the person's behavior. The emotional turmoil sparked by unkindness further complicates our ability to respond with grace. Feelings of anger and frustration may surge within us, triggering defensive mechanisms to shield ourselves from harm. Additionally, fear may whisper anxieties about appearing weak or vulnerable if we don't retaliate in kind. These emotions often drive us to prioritize looking out for our own best interest over acts of compassion, perpetuating a cycle of reactivity and conflict.

Competitiveness and the desire to ensure no one gets the best of us can also stand in our way. Narrow-mindedness and the inability to step back and see the big picture can hinder our ability to put ourselves in another’s shoes and empathize with them. Additionally, a sense of injustice or resentment can cloud our judgment, tempting us to respond in kind in a misguided attempt to restore equilibrium. However, this tit-for-tat approach merely entrenches us in a cycle of negativity, fostering discord rather than resolution.

Additionally, in today’s complicated world, distinguishing between right and wrong may not always be clear-cut, making it difficult to discern the appropriate course of action. When confronted with unkindness, this lack of clear moral directives can lead to misguided responses. By regularly reflecting on our values and principles, we can develop a clearer sense of right and wrong. This self-awareness aids in making morally sound decisions, even in the most difficult situations. Establishing a clear sense of the person we aspire to be provides a moral compass that guides our actions. By aligning our responses with our ideal self, we can consistently choose kindness over retaliation.

Recognizing and understanding these psychological factors is a crucial step towards cultivating a more mindful response to challenging situations. Developing self-awareness enables us to identify the automatic impulses and emotional triggers that shape our behavior. Pausing to reflect before reacting allows us to choose a more intentional and compassionate response to unkindness. Ultimately, practicing empathy, understanding, and forgiveness can break the cycle of negativity, nurturing a culture of kindness and respect. Furthermore, acknowledging the physical and mental impacts of these factors on our health serves as additional motivation to strive for better interactions and outcomes.

How We Treat Others Manifests in Our Body

While choosing kindness may not always be easy, it may help to know that science has long proven its substantial benefits, both for ourselves and others. Contrary to the common belief that our thoughts, words, and deeds have little bearing on our health or insignificant impact on others, this notion is unfounded. In fact, if we pay attention, we can even sense the mental and physical changes within ourselves.

For example, think about how we feel when we get angry: our muscles become tense, our heart rate spikes, our breathing quickens, and our blood pressure rises. If we habitually harbor anger, and even allow it to grow into resentment, it can pave the way for a variety of health issues, such as heart disease, hypertension, and a compromised immune system. The toll on our mental health is equally significant, often leading to heightened stress, anxiety, or even depression. Overall, holding onto anger manifests in feelings of discomfort and a pervasive sense of heaviness.

Conversely, think about how we feel when we’re kind and forgiving: our body relaxes, our heart rate drops, our breathing slows, and our blood pressure decreases, creating an environment that promotes enhanced immune function and accelerated healing. Mentally, we're instilled with a sense of peace and contentment, leaving us feeling lighter and more joyful. These positive emotions are partly attributed to the release of oxytocin, the hormone associated with love and bonding, as well as the increase in endorphins, the brain’s natural painkillers. Moreover, kindness diminishes cortisol levels, tempering the fight-or-flight response, which further enhances our mood, reduces stress, and promotes overall well-being. 

In addition to improved blood pressure, decreased risk of heart disease, and enhanced immune functioning, scientific studies have linked kindness to several other physical health benefits, such as reduced inflammation in the body, which is associated with a lower risk of chronic diseases, including arthritis, diabetes, and certain types of cancer. Moreover, acts of kindness have been correlated with better sleep quality, as they can promote feelings of relaxation and reduce stress levels, both of which are conducive to a restful night's sleep. Additionally, research indicates that kindness can positively impact longevity, with individuals who engage in altruistic behaviors experiencing greater overall health and a longer lifespan. 

Acts of kindness play a pivotal role in enriching and strengthening our social connections, serving as the adhesive that binds individuals and communities together. Whether it's offering a helping hand to a neighbor in need, or extending a word of encouragement to a friend facing adversity, these gestures foster bonds of trust, empathy, and reciprocity. Kindness acts as a universal language, transcending cultural, linguistic, and societal barriers to create meaningful connections with others. The ripple effect of kindness extends beyond immediate interactions, resonating throughout our social networks, and inspiring others to pay it forward.

According to an article in the American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine, “Kindness and caring are pro-social behaviors that build positive interpersonal connections and can uplift both the giver and receiver.” Interestingly, research suggests that performing acts of kindness in person has a more profound impact than online gestures, possibly due to the deeper bond formed through face-to-face interactions. In-person interactions allows for real-time feedback and the interpretation of nonverbal cues, such as facial expressions and body language, which help convey sincerity and authenticity, while the physical presence of individuals fosters a shared sense of intimacy and deeper connection. Additionally, the energy exchange that occurs when we're near others enhances the emotional resonance of the interaction, further contributing to its impact. In fact, according to the HeartMath Institute, kindness even promotes coherence in our heart rhythms, leading to enhanced health and social connections. 

Studies also show that being kind can have an interesting side effect: it can make us appear more physically attractive to others.  The authors of one study describe this as a type of 'halo effect,' explaining that people instinctively associate goodness with beauty, leading them to perceive kind individuals as more attractive.

Furthermore, the American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine states, “Simply seeing kindness and caring activates the neuropsychology of kindness, elevating the viewer and promoting generosity, interpersonal connection, and inclusion.” How amazing is that!

Nurturing Kindness

To cultivate kindness, we must nurture specific traits within ourselves, such as empathy, patience, humility, compassion, and gratitude. By focusing on developing these qualities and others, we lay the groundwork for consistent acts of kindness.

1. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. To nurture empathy, practice active listening. When someone is speaking, give them your full attention without interrupting or thinking about your response. Try to put yourself in their shoes and genuinely understand what they might be experiencing.
2. Patience involves being calm and tolerant, even when things do not go as planned. Developing patience requires mindfulness and self-control. Practice deep breathing exercises and meditation to help manage stress and maintain a peaceful state of mind.
3. Humility is about recognizing our own imperfections and valuing others' contributions. To cultivate humility, practice gratitude and acknowledge the efforts and successes of those around you. Avoid comparing yourself to others and focus on your personal growth.
4. Compassion is genuinely and selflessly wanting the best for someone else. Show compassion by being attentive and responsive to the needs of those around you. Offer help and support without expecting anything in return, and try to understand the struggles and challenges others face.
5. Gratitude involves appreciating what we have and recognizing the kindness of others. To develop gratitude, keep a daily journal where you write down things you are thankful for. Express your appreciation to those around you, and take time to reflect on the positive aspects of your life.
6. Forgiveness is letting go of grudges and resentment towards others. Practice forgiveness by acknowledging your own mistakes and understanding that everyone is fallible. Release negative emotions and focus on moving forward with a positive outlook.

Random, everyday acts of kindness can have a significant impact on both the giver and the receiver. Here are some simple ways to incorporate kindness into your daily routine:

• Smile at strangers and greet them warmly.
• Hold the door open for someone.
• Offer to help a colleague with a task.
• Compliment someone on their work or appearance.
• Send a thoughtful message to a friend or family member.
• Pay for the coffee of the person behind you in line.

Coordinated acts of kindness can create lasting change and inspire others to join in. A few ideas include:

• Volunteer your time at a local charity or community center.
• Donate to a cause you are passionate about.
• Organize a fundraiser for someone in need.
• Mentor someone who could benefit from your experience and knowledge.
• Organize a group to regularly help elderly or disabled neighbors with errands or chores.
• Initiate a neighborhood beautification project, such as planting flowers or clean-up events.

By nurturing these traits and incorporating acts of kindness into our lives, we can create a ripple effect that spreads positivity and compassion. Remember, kindness is a choice that we make every day. By committing to this choice, we not only improve our own well-being, but also contribute to a more caring and connected world.

As you go about your day, remember to be a ray of hope. Spread a little kindness and help keep the darkness at bay, one kind act at a time!